Courtesy of Reader's Digest

Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

George Carlin

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand

Emo Philips

I'm not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens

Woody Allen

When I was a little kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child.......eventually

Steven Wright

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

Steve Martin

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman "Where's the self-help section?" She said
if she told me, it would defeat the purpose

Brian Kiley

About a month ago, I got a cactus. And a week later, it died. I got really depressed because I was like, Damn, I am less nuturing than a desert.

Demetri Martin

The problem is God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time

Robin Williams

Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do.

Jason Love