Ugh! I cannot disagree with you more! This is, by far, the worst change imaginable to the worst system ever invented. On top of the already-screwed-up system that TSA has implemented (see below), you'll now have people thinking they know how to do it, can't figure it out after all, and piss off the people who really do know how to do it. And never mind that my family can do the TSA Two Step with the best of business travelers--I guarantee that the blood pressure of those folks behind us in the Black Diamond lane is rising regardless of just how well we do it.

Pissengers. (See below.)

From my own blog entry, "I Want to Live Dangerously," in which I outline the incredible Charlie Foxtrot that is air travel and, in this excerpt, queueing for the security checkpoint:

Right On Queue

I encountered the most egregious example of how not to do it at Washington’s Dulles Airport last February. I was returning from England with a colleague and she and I had exactly 20 minutes to make it from our transatlantic flight, which, because of customs and immigration, comes out on the non-secure side of the domestic flights security checkpoint, to our domestic flight. So we hustled past the ticket counters to the security checkpoint… and were flabbergasted to see that there were about 1,000 people squished in an area normally designed to hold 100 or so. There were about twenty screening checkpoints all running full blast.

Here’s the big problem: Each pair or so of those twenty screening checkpoints had its own line, and there was absolutely no way to evaluate which line was longer or shorter. We couldn’t even see that there were lines; yet there were, and we had no idea which ones went which way. They were all snaked around each other, intertwined as kite string in the hands of a three-year old.

Noting that there were multiple lines to choose from, we asked the friendly TSA person which line we should get in and whether or not we’d make our plane at 4:05. He pointed us to a line and said, yes, but didn’t consult his watch. (To be fair, we did make it, but not without significant increases in heart rates and stress levels. And that stupid bus didn’t help, either. But that’s another story.)

Little did we know that we were in the center group of lines at that point, the ones which were the longest, and the ones which allowed least opportunity to escape to a shorter line if/when one opened up, which one did. Guess where they opened it up? Yes, at the edge, thereby dividing the population of the outermost lines, now considerably shorter than our line. And guess where newly-arriving folks were being directed? To the shorter lines, where they got through faster than we did.

TSA, not only is that not fair, it’s just plain stupid. If you don’t want to deal with hostile customers, don’t make them hostile.

So… how do we solve this first problem?

First, some agencies of government, from our local DMV to the Defense Commissary Agency, understand a queue. Heck, even the deli counter has it figured out. In other words, if they can do it better, than so can the TSA. It’s not uncharted territory; it’s been done before.

Second, TSA, you’re not alone. Sam’s Club, our local grocery stores, and a zillion other places, don’t understand queueing at all, so don’t look so down. Cheer up! They suck too. You’re in good company.

Here’s the problem: multiple lines bypass the concept of first in, first out. That is, the first person to the security checkpoint should be the first one the be through the checkpoint, right? I mean, that’s the way we’re taught from Day 1 on this Earth. Let’s say there are ten people in line, nobody at the ten checkpoints, and you’re the 11th person in line. They all open up at once and all ten people go, one per checkpoint, to the checkpoints. Which checkpoint do you choose? If you’re like me in the line in Dulles, you choose wrong and get in line behind someone who did not understand the blaring instructions and has trouble remembering how much metal is on her person and is rejected no fewer than six times. Meanwhile, persons 12, 13, and 14 chose the lines behind frequent travelers who excel at the TSA Two Step and got through long before you did.

I call this “First in, maybe out.”

(Yes, the instructions were blaring. They were loud. They repeated. And they got old after the first five minutes. Thank God for the TSA! But some people still don’t listen.)

How’s this problem get solved, exactly? Remember the deli counter ticket machine? You got there first, got your number, and waited for a friendly butcher to call your number. Easy enough, right? First in, first out (or at least first served), every time. If your order consisted of thirty different items (or you can’t remember the cell phone in your pocket, the quarters in the other pocket, the necklace that Uncle Louie gave you, the heavy wristwatch, belt buckle, and that giant metal hairclip thing), you wouldn’t hold up Mrs. Robinson who got there just after you because another butcher has taken care of her and several other customers while you’ve rattled off enough items to make a deli tray or two.

The commissary has a similar scheme at their checkout lanes. There’s one gigantic line and the first person in the line is picked off by a director of some sort (at times, a person helps out here, but usually an electronic signboard shows which line is available next) and that person goes to the next available cashier. Simple. Efficient.

And scary as hell. I mean, have you ever looked at a line that size before and thought to yourself, I’m never going to get out of here?! Sure! But, surprisingly enough, it works remarkably well, is pretty darned efficient, and, most importantly, is fair. Nobody gets hostile because of unfair treatment.

TSA, here’s my suggestion: Do not divide your lines anywhere before the security checkpoint. As you do it now, first, it pisses off the people who are in the slower line. Certainly you’ve noticed that the other lines move faster, right? Yours is always the slowest. It doesn’t matter if the other line is, in actuality, slower, perception is the problem.

Everybody gets pissed off. Hmmm. I guess that’s fair after all.

Second, it really, really ticks people off when a new line/queue is opened up and only a portion of the population hanging out at the airport gets to take advantage of it. Net result? Pissed passengers. Pissengers, so to speak.

Third? I’m sure there is a third, but I haven’t thought of it yet.

Interesting point.

I suppose the implication is that non-white people wouldn't be bothered by these things which bother me. (You did click on my profile to verify that I am, indeed, white, right? If not...)

I checked out the tumblr site and it's entertaining what white people complain about. Again, the implication is that non-white people would certainly not notice these things as they would never be using a wireless laptop, eating brie, watching Bravo, expecting decently-toasted baked goods, or, God forbid! using air travel.

Guess there isn't a "blackwhine.tumblr.com" site gonna' happen any time soon.