Wow, Santa has really poor financial planning skills. You'd think one of his elves could take care of this thing?

It's officially a recession, but how long will it be before we start seeing scenes like this?

Seriously, what kind of programmer doesn't speak Java? That woman needs to go back to school. Anyone else get this same feeling of desperation when they watched the automaker bailout pleading session today?

It's not even Black Friday yet and already we're hearing about holiday shopping buying guides and retail sales numbers. Just as the date Christmas music gets played on the radio starts creeping sooner every year, the dilemma of what the hell retailers will put on their shelves becomes a bigger issue each season.

Then mix into that frothy disaster pit of expectation the horrible state of the stock market, economy, and unemployment rate and you've got yourself one big recipe for disaster.

Even Walmart is taking the necessary precautions. Walmart, the only company in the Dow Jones Industrial Average that is in positive territory on the year is making some major changes. CEO and President for the past 9 years, Lee Scott, is stepping down and retiring. It was announced today that Mike Duke, former senior international executive, will be taking over starting in February.

I'm imagining when 'The Duke' arrives at Walmart HQ in February, it'll go something like this:

and then of course, there will be some "management retraining":

For years Merrill Lynch's chief investment strategist, Richard Bernstein, has been a sound, informative, analytical voice in the turbulent world of the markets.

I actually had the chance to meet and speak with Bernstein after a Dow Jones event earlier this year taking place before anyone could have predicted the ensuing panic and destruction that would come to Wall Street. But that's just the thing, on a panel of optimists who debated whether or not we were going to 'touch on a recession', Bernstein was the lone voice saying it's going to get much worse before it gets better around here.

And so the straight talk Bernstein express continues. Just today Clusterstock reported on a note released by Bernstein offering a contrarian view to everyone anxious to 'buy on the dip' and get back in the markets.

Some excerpts:

We have previously said that we would follow four main indicators to gauge our re-entry point back into the equity markets. They are sentiment, valuation, estimate revisions, and jobless claims. Let's review where these indicators now stand.

Much to our shock, sentiment actually deteriorated slightly rather than improved last month [translation: investors got more optimistic]. Our model is picking up that investors are willing to "buy on the dip". Historically, significant market bottoms have not been associated with such bullishness....

Continue Reading...

Really?

I feel like we've talked about every potential trend story and this one was bound to happen next. First we were drinking more booze to cope with our crappy economy, then we were buying porn with our stimulus checks, now we're combating financial collapse with a little more protected sex?

BusinessSheet.com got this awesome quote from Ted Conley, the head of North American marketing for Durex:

"The category has traditionally been strong at times of economic downturn and we are getting anecdotal evidence that the same can be said for today. When you think about it, it makes sense that when money is tight, people stay in and make their own fun rather than going out and spending money."

Encouraging indoor promiscuity to counter the economy's ills, hells yeah, Ted! How's this for a new ad tagline? : "Condoms are factory tested to be 99.9% recession proof if used properly. Don't forget to leave room for the reservoir tip of liquidity!" (ba dum ching)

BusinessSheet: When The Economy Goes Down Something Else Goes Up: Condom Sales, October 22, 2008

In the financial journalism world, there is a popular little 'grab the reader' technique called 'using an anecdotal lead'.

To employ this technique, the writer will start off with a little human interest story pertaining to someone relatively involved in the main focus of the story. Bloomberg News has friggin' mastered this technique to the fullest in their latest write-up about the Vegas economy being in dire condition.

Meet Leigh Sogoloff, a 36-year-old stripper who gives lap dances Rick's Cabaret Vegas on Procyon Street (and proud owner of one of the least exciting 'stripper names' I've ever heard.)

Leigh goes on to say that her income from stripping which, (as all my bros out there know full well) is largely comprised of tips, is down roughly 50% from what she brought in last year. A coworker explained that these days she brings in around $6k a month, but those big money days of January '07 saw her bring in $30k that month. $30k a month! To be fair, she hasn't come close to matching that month recently and she doesn't expect she will anytime soon.

She's got some sass too:

A disturbing trend analysis came out of EconompicData today. It would appear that Chipotle Mexican Grill is not coming back from the dead anytime soon in spite of their delicious cuisine, ethical approach to ingredients, and cool interior design.

As the stock declines there are a few reasons for the downfall:

a) 8 bucks for a burrito isn't a feasible lunch option when you're broke.

b) The cost of food and ingredients is rising.

c) People are realizing the damage the high calorie count can do to your already. protruding beer gut.

d) In an election year, burrito sales are notoriously lower.

OK, that last one might be bullshit, but still keep an eye on Chipotle's downward trend. And for a little perspective on how bright-eyed and rosey everything looked for the burrito slingers not too long ago, check out what Wallstrip had to say almost 2 years ago to the day. What an innocent and cheery time it was back in the fall of '06:

Last night Saturday Night Live started doing its new live Thursday night 'Weekend Update' show. I suppose they're just brimming with presidential debate impressions that they wanted to get out before Saturday comes around. Gotta stay relevant, I guess. (btw, Fred Armisen's impression of Obama makes me want to gouge out my eyes.)

Anyway, I was impressed with some of their material on Wall Street and the state of the economy. Using Hulu's cool new 'edit video' feature, I clipped my three favorite moments below.

1.) Financial Expert Oscar Rogers offers some advice on what we should do about the failing economy. Reminds me of the 'underpants gnomes theory':

2.) Seth and Amy ponder AIG's lavish retreat after the bailout:

As if the recession needed any further satire? Anyway, Weird Al is back and after killin' it with his last spoof, he's coming after both our deflated purchasing power as a result of the weak economy and Clifford Joseph Harris Jr., better known as the rapper T.I.

It's also interesting to note that this marks Weird Al's first single written exclusively for the internet. The times are definitely changing, and it makes sense because Weird Al's music in particular is well-suited for non-mainstream distribution.

Forget about the markets for 2 secs and enjoy this jam, there are actually some good tips on saving money in here. Isn't that depressing?:

Weird Al Whatever You Like - Watch more free videos

via JeffRubinJeffRubin

Gawker.com put together this interesting little chart of all the times the media has used the word 'recession' vs. 'depression' recently.

I'm assuming they searched for depression used in a financial sense, otherwise maybe people are just depressed about rumors that Miley Cyrus will quit Hannah Montana, or whatever else it is people get depressed about non-fiscally these days.

In my opinion it's just the mainstream media's attempt to overemphasize what's going on in the economy and on Wall Street. I don't think there is any particular malice about it, in the way that some people are postulating the media want to destroy all the big banks with fear. I don't give them enough credit to attempt that. It's mostly just a lack of knowledge and the viewer's ever-increasing ADD. If you can't have two guys going at it live on air, you've gotta spice up your coverage with Great Depression analogies and synonyms for 'meltdown' and 'collapse'. Anything to keep our mind off the fact that it's complicated numbers and over-inflated values depreciating.

Gawker: Oh Good Grief, Don't Blame The Meida For This, September 22, 2008