Everyone knows that when you can't go with the first choice of 'being innocent to begin with', then 'faking your own death' is the second best way to avoid jail time.

Samuel Israel III, a hedge fund manager who was convicted of fraud, faked his own death last week.

U.S. Marshals confirmed yesterday that Samuel Israel was not dead, but on the run from the law after authorities found his abandoned car near a bridge on the Hudson River. The car had a note scrawled in dirt on the windshield that said 'Suicide is painless.' I thought people only wrote notes like that saying, 'Wash me', or 'This car's owner is a loser' or the always-popular cartoon phallus?

But nobody was buying the note. Another inaccuracy in Israel's plan - Jumping off a bridge into the Hudson River probably wouldn't be painless anyway. Depending on the height, there's a good chance you'd survive the fall but suffer horrendously immobilizing injuries. Then slowly drown to death. Not a very 'painless' way to go. He should have made the note say 'Whoopsies!'. That's way more believable.

After his body didn't show up on the shores of the river for over a week, police had enough evidence to announce that it was all a fake suicide plan.

Israel instituted his little scheme exactly one week before he was due to begin serving a 20-year prison sentence in Massachusetts.

According to a Reuters report, the guy sounds like kind of a dick anyway:

In April, Israel was sentenced for fabricating investment returns, making up an accounting firm to sign off on documents and ultimately stealing $450 million from investors, including Indiana's DePauw University.

He was out on bail to allow time for prison officials to prepare his medication, court documents show.

They let you go home before a big jail sentence while they 'prepare your medication'? That's such a cop out! Seriously, you guys gotta tighten up your security a little bit. A crook like this is obviously a flight risk.

The law firm that unsuccessfully defended Israel also represented a client in 2006 who fled the country after being convicted of stock options backdating charges. That fugitive CEO is enjoying the fun and sun in Namibia right now.

Good to see that the law offices of 'Lose, Escape & Flee' are getting some great publicity.

Reuters: Missing Fund Manager Not Dead, June 17, 2008

FakeMyDeath: How To

Jeremy Burton, CEO of Serena Software, is taking his boring software company to new heights by going all 'Facebook' on them.

Yesterday I linked to one of my favorite recurring articles on CollegeHumor about how parents are hopelessly inept when it comes to current technology. Interestingly, this software company seems to be capitalizing on that as their new business model.

In trying to shift his company from an old-school 'mainframe culture' software company to a modern 'software-as-a-service' company, Burton instituted 'Facebook Fridays' in which he encouraged all employees to spend a few hours surfin' the 'book.

The goal, apparently, was to get people thinking younger while also improving inter-office communication and networking.

However, it wasn't all roses getting people on board this idea. And as I'll demonstrate, a CEO addicted to Facebook with too much free time on his hands, starts to get a little creepy.

The Fortune Magazine article profiling Burton explains how he doesn't have a 100% addicted workforce yet:

Now 800 of the company's 900 employees have Facebook accounts, and many use it actively. "It's been a game-changer for us," Burton says, "to go from an insular culture that doesn't communicate much to a more collaborative culture." Some employees still resist, like a few in France, for example, who worry about risks to their personal privacy.

Sacrebleu, how lame! Those Frenchies are all a bunch of worry warts. But 800 out of 900 is not bad at all. Try and get that many employees to wipe the toilet seat of urine sprinklings when they're finished. Not an easy task. But how does Burton spend his days monitoring Facebook? Status updates, of course:

In addition, he says, "the status updates for people in Facebook give me a window into the company." He takes out his Blackberry, calls up the Facebook application there, and starts reading status updates for various employees.

"Winding down and heading to the weekend," writes the Germany country boss. Comments Burton: "It's 10 p.m. there so I know he's working hard."

The guy who won the award for top telesales rep in the first quarter "is listening to the Roots."
The head of all company sales writes that he "is heading home from Europe." His profile photo shows him holding up a beer stein.

Dude, this guy is worse than an ex-girlfriend stalking your profile. Maybe this is just me, but the Facebook universe is very different from the working life universe. If I download a new FB program that lets me draw graffiti style cartoon penises on 'my friends' wall postings, should I be held accountable for that at work? Certainly not!

And if I want to post some pictures of me chillin' on the street corner in my totally ordinary drag queen costume every Friday night, should I not have the right to do so without fear of repercussions at the office?

This is a slippery slope, my friends. However, I do commend Burton for his ingenuity in improving his software business. Serena Software is finally in the 21st century and it appears that their business has improved exponentially due to the "book of faces". Look how cool their company website is now. Guys with cardboard boxes on their heads?! So edgy!

David Kirkpatrick, senior writer for Fortune, ended this profile piece by saying, "This once-modest tool for helping college kids hook up is starting to be used for more and more interesting things."

And to that I ask, "Really? Is there anything more interesting than college kids "hooking up" like this?"

Fortune: How one CEO Facebooked his company, June 13, 2008

Google founders and jet setting playboys, Larry Page and Sergey Brin are in the driver's seat with their sweet private jet aka The Google Party Plane. The pair are tied for 5th place on Forbes' list of the Richest Americans with each being worth $18.6 billion.

Some tech-enthusiasts are hot on the trail of the Google guys, literally. They have been tracking the locations of the plane, and with its tell-tale description and unique registration number, would-be trackers can now tell where Google's next big deal is going down. Or where they will be honeymooning next.

Silicon Valley Insider uses Google's own software to track them with this map of all their gallivanting:

View Larger Map

But what's on the inside of the Google Party Plane and how hard do they party?

• The plane is a renovated Boeing 767-200 formerly used by Qantas Airways, an Australian airline.
• Includes two staterooms with with extra long California king-sized beds.
• During the renovation they also asked for swinging hammocks and a cocktail lounge.
• 1 full shower.
• Large sitting-and-dining area.
• In-flight internet access.
• Enough seats for 50 guests.
• The Google Party Plane is 70% longer and 3x heavier than a conventional executive jet.
• As a commercial airliner it could accommodate 180 passengers.
• Now usually just carries the crew and the two dudes.
• Estimates have the renovated plane worth $25 million.

And how hard do they party? Real hard. Or as hard as two wealthy tech nerds in their mid-30s can, I guess. Two chilled Zimas and season two of MythBusters, maybe? Party on, Larry. Party on, Sergey.

Silicon Alley Insider: Where in the World Are You Larry, Sergey, and The Google Party Jet?, June 6, 2008

Airline Pilot Forums: Google Mogul's Buy 767, 2005

Everyone's least favorite- and most tan - mortgage slinger, Angelo Mozilo, doesn't know the difference between 'forward' and 'reply'. The result: a public relations disaster.

Mozilo's company, Countrywide Mortgage, has been blamed by many for causing the sub-prime crisis. Although it's not accurate to lump this all on one company, their policies, similar to others, are what led to the collapse in the housing market. Check out our profile of how it all went down.

But Moz has been laying low lately as his company is getting bailed/bought out with a Bank of America takeover. However, he wasn't quiet enough on this fateful day.

Many homeowners suffering foreclosures due to screwy Countrywide policies are fighting back, by sending form letter emails directly to Countrywide executives, namely Mozilo.

One of these proactive homeowners, Daniel Bailey, wrote a 'hardship letter' explaining his situation to Mozilo saying that he was promised a chance to refinance before his mortgage became un-affordable. That refinance never happened, and Daniel is in the process of being foreclosed.

According to an article in today's LA Times, Mozilo proved he doesn't give a crap about those suffering by hitting 'reply' instead of 'forward' and sent Daniel the following response:

Angelo_Mozilo@countrywide.com wrote:
This is unbelievable. Most of these letters now have the same wording. Obviously they are being counseled by some other person or by the internet. Disgusting.

Daniel was taken by surprise by the crude response he received. He had gotten most of the information for his form letter complaint from the mortgage advocacy site, LoanSafe.org. After posting the response he got to a forum on that site, it was picked up by the LA Times and is now circulating the internet.

Nice going, Mozilo. I'm not going to harp on your ethical business practices at Countrywide, but learn how to use a friggin' computer. Don't they teach you how to use e-mail on the first day of CEO training?

LA Times: Mozilo On Distressed Borrower's Appeal For Help: Disgusting, May 21, 2008

In the style of all those horribly annoying Super Sweet 16 shows, one Russian multimillionaire is making his 15-year-old daughter into a fashion brand.

Kira Plastinina spent many hours of her youth trying to decide between being a princess or a fashion designer. Unfortunately for her, all that deep contemplation was for naught. Now she's both! I have a feeling this won't make the world a better place.

She's just like any other super-rich, spoiled Russian teenager - she likes the color pink, wants to live in Malibu, and 'runs' a rapidly expanding girls fashion line.

After the fall of communism, Kira's father, Sergei Plastinin, became the multimillionaire juice-and-dairy king of Eastern Europe. According to the profile of Kira in a recent NY Magazine article, here Dad's orange juice empire took a lot of clever planning:

Imported foods were starting to hit the market, but they were expensive. Plastinin decided that his role in the new Russia would be to bring this genius concentrate [orange juice] to the people. He’d brand it as if it were foreign. He came up with the name Wimm-Bill-Dann, which he thought sounded (think Wimbledon) quite English. (Never mind that it said made in russia right on the package; it just didn’t say it in Cyrillic.)

Wimm-Bill-Dann, genius! Now his juice brand is a $5.6 Million-business, but he's looking to branch out to the world of fashion. He enlisted his daughters' talents and is basically pimping her out as the entire brand.

Supposedly from a very young age Kira sketched elaborate dresses and cut up her mother's scarves into clothing. Is this really all it takes to start a business in the fashion world? Oh wait, yes it is. She might even be over-qualified for this.

They are opening 20 U.S. "Kira Plastinina" shops by October of this year. With a worldwide total of 57 boutique stores, most are located in Russia, Ukraine and Kazakhstan. (Insert overused Borat quote here).

The NY Magazine article does a great job of profiling this young entrepreneur. Forgetting none of the important details:

She has long pin-straight brown hair and round brown eyes, and says “like” with the same frequency as an American teen. She has a Paris Hilton accent on the word cute, so that it comes out “cyut.” She loves ponies, puppies, and the color pink.

What would Vladimir Lenin think about the current state of Russian business, with Kira at the helm? Right now there are 110 billionaires in Russia, making Moscow the most billionaire-rich city in the world, and also one of the most expensive cities to live.

The article goes on to explain how Kira has a really tough life, going to school full-time and then looking at her favorite varieties of pink dresses each afternoon. She has been forced to give up all her after-school activities in order to grow her brand and start her fashion empire.

Don't worry, her Dad is helping out a lot. He reportedly paid Paris Hilton $2 Million to attend one of Kira's fashion shows for a few hours. They are, like, totally best friends now or whatever.

However, in planning her Super Sweet 16 party, which is next month, we may get a little glimpse of how you can take the girl out of old-school Russia, but you can't take old-school Russia out of the girl:

“And I’m going to get a pig,” she says. “A potbellied pig.” She lifts up her shoulders and buries her chin. “Like a miniature pig.” She hugs herself for a minute and sighs. “It’s so cute.”

Could someone tell her that potbellied pigs at Sweet 16s are sooo 2005?

Kira explains the incoherent reasoning behind her popularity a little further in picture form:

NY Magazine: The Russian-American Princess, May 18, 2008

Repossession men are busier than ever, and they might be coming after your boat soon.

It used to be just rich guys with stupid pants who bought expensive boats and yachts. However, during those glorious pre-recession days almost anyone was able to take out a loan and buy a boat.

Borrowers are defaulting on those loans now and it means lots of business for the world's repo men.

A New York Times article, appearing in tomorrow's issue, profiles the world of Jeff Henderson, the owner of Harrison Marine, who is hired by the banks to repossess boats from delinquent borrowers. According to the article:

Henderson is repossessing nearly a boat a day, most from the Great Lakes area but a few farther afield. He is looking for a man from the Bronx named Rocko, who told the bank his 34-foot cruiser was at a marina that does not exist. He is trying to get a Michigan woman to tell him where to find her husband’s pontoon boat.

Surprisingly, the terms of a typical boat loan allow the bank to employ someone to enter a borrower's property and extract the indebted boat without fear of trespassing charges.

Henderson doesn't like doing it, but on a few occasions he has crept around someone's backyard to remove a boat. Most of the time the boats to be repossessed are kept at a local marina where they are delinquent in dock fees. After Henderson pays those fees, the dock owners are more than happy to send him on his way with the boat.

He recalls a few time having a gun pulled on him. Once an old woman came out to defend her boat with an old hunting rifle aimed right at Henderson. On another occasion a police officer confronted Henderson with his pistol and asked why he was stealing his boat.

That is some scary stuff. Not a line of business most people would want to be involved in, I'm guessing. Henderson has a heart of stone now and after a lifetime of being forced to listen to weepy sob stories about late payments, he doesn't give the owners a chance to reason with him.

This article was interesting because it also offered some good insight into the plight of the consumer and some of the reasons behind the recession and credit crunch.

One of the former boat owners that Henderson is repossessing explains that he simply spent beyond his means. He'll soon declare bankruptcy and also had his apartment foreclosed on. After taking out a $125,000 loan to pay for his boat, he spent 7 years barely making the interest payments. The loan is currently worth twice as much as the boat.

At some point you've gotta ask yourself, was this all worth it? Being able to say you have some boat in a marina that you never use, while you waste away in bankruptcy proceedings? In some ways aren't these guys just as responsible for the recession as all those Bear Stearns executives?

New York Times: Times Are Tough, Except In The Repo Business, May 20, 2008

One of the biggest stories in the business world right now is involving Carl Icahn and his plan to get Yahoo, but what does this 'proxy battle' really mean?

Here's a little background: Microsoft said 'Peace out' to Yahoo last week after Yahoo CEO, Jerry Yang, and his posse rolled up to Microsoft CEO, Steve Ballmer's house looking for $37 per share instead of the proposed $33 for their merger deal. As we all know now, that was a case example of how not to pull off a major takeover deal.

Now enter Carl 'The Corporate Raider' Icahn. This guy is well known for being both the 46th richest man in the world and also a very good corporate takeover powerhouse. In the past he's been involved in Blockbuster, ImClone, Marvel Comics, Time Warner, and more recently Motorola. But, he's attempting one of his biggest magic tricks ever with these Yahoo talks.

Icahn was watching the Microsoft/Yahoo deal with a lot of anticipation last week, and was super pissed when Yahoo screwed it all up. He wrote a letter to Yahoo and their shareholders telling them off in some pretty harsh language. According to a MarketWatch article:

Icahn blasted the current board, accusing them of acting "irrationally" and having "completely botched" negotiations with Microsoft over the software giant's blockbuster merger offer.

This guy does not mess around.

Yahoo responded by saying that old man Icahn was a little confused on the details. Apparently all the talk of a $33 offer was only that, talk. There was no deal on the table for Yahoo to sign. It's obvious that Yahoo does not seem happy about the proposition of Icahn getting involved in all this.

But it really doesn't matter to Carl what they think. He believes the battle is on, and he put his money where his mouth is by purchasing 59 million shares of Yahoo in the past 10 days. Icahn is also looking to increase that to $2.5 billion worth of the stock with the current stock price sitting around $27.

Icahn is sending the signals that he is preparing for a 'proxy battle' for the company. Simply put, he is attempting to either convince or buyout the majority of the shareholders of the company so that he can appoint a new board of directors.

It gets even better. Icahn submitted his 'list' of future board members for when he takes over Yahoo and on that list is none other than Mark Cuban. Many people may know him nowadays as the loud owner of the Dallas Mavericks who dresses very casually and competed on Dancing With The Stars.

But back in the heady days before the dot com burst, Cuban sold his company, broadcast.com to Yahoo for a staggering price of $5.1 billion. He is considered one of the ultimate pitchmen for somehow pulling off that deal. It turned out to be a huge bust for Yahoo and they never did anything significant with their purchase.

How weird would it be if Mark Cuban was back in the driver's seat and pulling the strings on another big deal involving Yahoo? I guess Carl Icahn really wants this guy in the corner when it comes down to making a deal stick with Microsoft.

MarketWatch: Icahn reveals plan to take over Yahoo board, May 15, 2008

Slate: What's A Proxy Battle, April 9, 2008

MarketWatch: Mark Cuban Comes Back To Haunt Yahoo, May 15, 2008

The world's most expensive apartment sold for $200 Million, and it hasn't even been built yet.

A lot of people in New York complain about the extremely high cost of living in the city, but they can be considered trailer park trash compared to what people are paying in London right now.

One Hyde Park, the new luxury apartment building in London's Knightsbridge neighborhood has pre-sold 1 of its 4 exclusive penthouse apartments (which are probably called 'flats', right?) over 2 years before being able to test out the sink and look in the closets.

Even though the building is not expected to be completed until 2010, these apartments are selling quickly because (more pictures) of their fancy amenities and insane central location. Think of it this way, your Monopoly board might soon say One Hyde Park instead of just Park Place. The Monopoly guy will be sooo pissed.

The developer of the property is Candy & Candy (lots of cavities, even by British standards), and the owner of the property is Sheikh Hamad, Foreign Minister of the Gulf State of Qatar.

Some of the included cool features will be:

1. communal spas
2. wine-tasting facilities
3. wooden baths
4. marble surfaces
5. floor-to-ceiling fridges

And also, according to most-expensive.net:

Each of the four penthouses will have a number of security features, including bulletproof glass, panic rooms and access to an underground passage leading to a nearby hotel.

I guess if you have enough money to buy a place like this, you're definitely a prime target for robbery.

Also, I bet that secret passage comes in handy when you're trying to slip out to the hotel bar after your girlfriend goes on a screaming tirade about her $2,000-coasters not being used, and you leaving your Million-dollar-socks all over the place.

Is this place worth $200 million? Let us know what you think in the comments section.

Most Expensive: Most Expensive Apartment, April 25, 2008
BusinessWeek: Nouveau Riche Palaces

Meet the infamous man many are saying is behind the subprime mortgage lending crisis that seems to have caused the current economic recession.

To pin all that on one man is a tall order, but Angelo Mozilo has proved to be quite a good public figure to hate for his extravagant compensation and gruesome tanning habits.

Mozilo, known in some circles as 'The Crocodile' due to his perpetual orange complexion and leathery skin, is the founder and CEO of Countrywide Financial Group. He started his business with nothing more than a college degree and a suitcase full of dreams back in THE SUMMER OF 1969. Today, Countrywide has become one of the country's largest mortgage lenders. They provide more home equity loans and mortgages than any other company, and that's exactly what led to their downfall.

In recent news, Mozilo was awardedcompensation to the tune of $22.1 million for piloting Countrywide in 2007, the worst year in the company and housing economy's history. King Moz also cashed in his stock options this year to add on an additional $121.5 million. Nevermind that Countrywide lost $704 million last year while shares declined in value by 79%. The New York Times also reports:

Other compensation included $44,454 for use of company aircraft, $8,581 for country club fees and $23,755 for automobile use.

So what exactly did Countrywide do that caused all this? To put it simply, they preyed off of people with bad credit and insufficient funds who dreamed of owning their own home. They would rope them in with teaser interest rates which would secretly jump up much higher after the first year of payments. Ads like this one appealed to these potential borrowers:

Note the '4 out of 5 Approved' tagline which speaks volumes for a lack of background and credit checks Countrywide was guilty of. Also, the 'less than perfect credit' line makes Countrywide sound more like a late-night infomercial than a qualified lender.

Example 2: Countrywide didn't stop when homeowners were settled in their new home, they pushed their home equity loans which fed even more risky credit off unpaid homes.

The shaky statistics cited in this add would lead any potential borrower to believe there isn't any downside to borrowing money against a home. Things like this led to homeowners believing they could use their home as an ATM.

And who was at the helm overseeing and profiting off of all this? None other than the Croc himself.

Are we way off base about Mozilo? You've met him and he's a cool old dude? Let us know in the comments section.

New York Times: A Losing Year at Countrywide, but Not for Chief, April 25, 2008

DealBreaker: This Is An Outrage, April 25, 2008